Finally, a movie bringing together Steven Seagal and Ja Rule together. After audience pleas on what they really wanted to see in a movie, the film gods smiled down upon us and brought about Half Past Dead.

Half Past Dead is the first movie I’ve seen in a long time that literally serves no other purpose than to be “an action flick.” Helicopter crashes, explosions, gunfire, rocket launchers, undercover cops, rogue cops, fast cars, and even a mid-air fight that takes place on randomly hanging chains all make it into Half Past Dead. What is the plot of Half Past Dead? It doesn’t matter. The majority of it takes place in a prison, there’s a Supreme Court Justice being held hostage, as well as a death row inmate who wants to die (not the best choice in hostage), and they’re all either looking for either escape from prison or $200 million worth of gold. They eventually find the gold, though not in the prison, and it ends up being a box of maybe 200 gold bars. Is one gold bar worth $1 million? I’m not going to pretend to know anything about the rate of gold, but it doesn’t seem likely.

The real star of Half Past Dead is not Ja Rule, but Ja Rule’s fucking gross expressions, mostly consisting of licking his lips with a smirk on his face while looking the overly-sexualized thief up and down. This is a move that doesn’t strike sexual arousal into the hearts of females, but more like disgust and slight fear.

I would say the overall best part of Half Past Dead was Chris constantly thinking it was called, and referring to it as, Left for Dead.


This gem came from the brilliant mind of a man who loves video games way too much, thinks Ja Rule and Steven Seagal are the two greatest badass and topical people on earth, and owned the leftover set from some cheap TV show. There are not too many action movies that keep me engaged throughout but THIS movie . . . well this movie isn’t that much different. It’s certainly not boring but it impossible take anything seriously. Anything. When viewing the behind the scenes videos it was apparent that all the actors loved the director because he let them, “do whatever they wanted.” And that was extremely apparent. The fact that someone thought this was a cool, modern film makes it all that much more brilliant. But much like watching wrestling alone this film is not for solitary viewing. If you choose to partake in its true brilliance please watch it with a few friends.


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