TED (2012)



  • Best Song


I really didn’t like watching this movie. Everyone should avoid.


Poor Chris. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so unhappy watching a movie before. But we both trudged through this one, and it wasn’t easy.

Ted is up for Best Song, and I’m not sure where the song was (in the beginning? I think?) but sitting through this just because of the song’s Oscar nomination made me question our quest to see every nominated movie. Because Ted is not a good movie.

Seth MacFarlane takes a similar approach to Ted as he does to Family Guy: if you pack in as many jokes as you can, surely some of them will land occasionally. And yes, there are some funny parts. I chuckled a few times. But those times were vastly outnumbered by feelings of discomfort, offense, and boredom. Ted is the first non-Tyler Perry movie I’ve seen in a long time that has so many homophobic, racist, and sexist jokes that are played for actual humor rather than horror. Examples: A.) John (Mark Wahlberg), while hugging Ted (voiced by Seth MacFarlane) accidentally presses a button that makes a recorded “I love you” come from Ted. They both back away, continually explaining to each other that they’re not gay. B.) When describing his new Chinese neighbors, Ted says “They don’t have a gong or nothin’, so it’s not that bad.” C.) After one of the breakups between John and Lori (Mila Kunis), Ted explains to John that she’ll be okay after she watches Bridget Jones’ Diary.

The only decent thing in Ted were the pretty seamless visual effects, to the point where I’m almost surprised it didn’t get an Oscar nomination for that. I never thought the character of Ted looked fake and his interactions with the human actors were kind of amazing. Now if only it had been funny and not awful!

Also, I think it’s worth noting that during the night after we watched Ted, I woke up with a horribly painful ear infection. Was it because of fluid in my ears from two recent colds? Or was it Seth MacFarlane’s Peter Griffin-esque voice as Ted clawing against my eardrums that caused this intense pain? You be the judge.

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