FEAR (1996)

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Christopher

This movie did have some pretty unsettling moments but it’s overall problem was having Mark Wahlberg as the psycho boyfriend. He’s just not really that scary. And he’s so tiny. It’s pretty funny in the end when the dad is just throwing Wahlberg like a child.

What I walked away with from Fear is that I really want them to make a Fear 2 now. With Donnie Wahlberg as the boyfriend, Reese Witherspoon’s sister as the girl, and Susan Sarandon’s daughter as the mom. It would be so good!

Elizabeth

Fear deceived me. I recorded it because of a joke in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, when Dennis’ crazy wife starts hitting herself and Mac recognizes it as the thing Marky Mark does in Fear. So I was expecting it to be sort of goofy.  And it kind of is for most of it; it’s just really over the top. Reese Witherspoon plays Nicole, a 16 year old, with a boyfriend played by David, who is obviously way older, played by Mark Wahlberg. David sends up some pretty clear red flags that Nicole ignores, etc etc.

THEN IT TURNS INTO A SUPER SCARY HOME INVASION MOVIE, which begins when the family dog is decapitated and the crazy killers push the dog’s head through the doggy door. GREAT! I tried to distract myself during this scary scene with some of the implausible parts, like how this family has insane security (security cameras, security guard, electric security system, reinforced doors and windows), but no weapons in the house? Wouldn’t weapons be your first line of defense? It was also funny how tiny Mark Walhberg gets thrown around pretty easily.

But don’t watch this movie thinking it’s going to be really goofy. There’s rape, beating-to-deaths, and DOG DECAPITATION.

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THAT’S MY BOY (2012)

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Elizabeth

Here’s what That’s My Boy starts off with:

A teacher sexual harasses, molests, and rapes a 12 year old student. When the teacher is brought to trial, a statement that the teacher wrote is read by the judge: “I would fuck that kid again and again.” The relationship causes a pregnancy, which the student is left to raise, while the teacher is imprisoned for rape.

Is this a LIfetime Original movie? Or a Lars von Trier movie? Or just something really horrifying? HAHA, NO. IT’S AN ADAM SANDLER COMEDY. See, the student in question is a 12 year old BOY and the teacher in question is played by Eva Amurri Martino, who is hot and sexy (and Susan Sarandon’s daughter), so it’s a dream come true! And not a nightmare at all! It’s hilarious that the teacher mimes a blowjob toward the child as he reads at his bar mitzvah. Ha ha ha!!

The fact that this storyline is incredibly horrifying and fucked up and this is not addressed is incredibly disturbing to me. The teacher-student relationship is revealed to the public because they are caught having sex on the school’s auditorium stage behind the curtain during student council speeches. The teacher runs off, but the entire school, save for a few female teachers, cheers the kid for having sex with the teacher. Are no cops called? Is the kid not put into therapy? WHAT THE FUCK.

Of course, this kid is a young Donny Berger, the older version of which is played by Adam Sandler. He gets rich off his story and subsequently loses his riches, as well as his son, played by Andy Samberg, who leaves home when he’s 18. Money troubles causes Donny to seek out his son, whom he named Han Solo but now goes by the name Todd Peterson, and because Todd is now a successful hedge fund investor guy, hilarity ensues on the weekend of Todd’s wedding.

In the end, Todd does not marry his fiance because it is discovered she has been having sex with her little brother. That’s right. Let me repeat: in the end, Todd does not marry his fiance because it is discovered she has been having sex with her little brother. Before the movie ends, though, there’s an awful scene in which Donny is wrestling with his son, gets an erection, and then wags the erection in his son’s face. This happens. Todd also ends up quitting his hugely successful job and returns home to Boston with Donny, who wins a ton of money on a bet (he bet a fat guy could win a marathon), so all problems are solved!

EXCEPT FOR THE UNBELIEVABLE EMOTIONAL DAMAGE INFLICTED ON VARIOUS CHARACTERS DUE TO MOLESTATION, RAPE, AND INCEST.

But, whatever. Ha ha!

Christopher

Adam Sandler does it again! This movie does a great job of portraying pedophilia as the comedy it is….

But I think this is a perfect time to get serious. It is an absolute outrage that Andy Samberg of SNL fame is marrying Joanna Newsom. #pleasenojoanna

DRIVE (2011)

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Christopher

Man this movie is cool! My favorite part about this movie is how cool Ryan Gosling’s character is but as the film progresses he’s just kind of weird and creepy. Also I think Brian Cranston might be my second favorite actor right now. He’s kind of like a skinny John Goodman?!

Elizabeth

I’m pretty sure that when Chris and I watched Drive with two of our friends (they hadn’t seen it, we had), it was the fourth time I had seen it. I really pushed us into watching it (although everyone agreed!) because it’s the kind of movie I’m pretty much always in the mood to watch. Our friends didn’t really like it but . . . whatever.

There are a million things I love about Drive. One of them is how the movie is so quiet, but is so well-known for its amazing music. When I was living in New York, I saw Nicolas Winding Refn’s movie before Drive, Valhalla Rising. It wasn’t my favorite, but I was struck at how the movie was very quiet but punctuated with pretty brutal violence. Drive is similar in that way, except it’s way cooler and, you know, Ryan Gosling.

I was sort of blown away by it when I first saw it, because it seems like something you’ve seen before (lots of 80s nostalgia type of vibes) but then isn’t at all. My favorite scene is probably one of the more famous scenes, in which Ryan Gosling finds himself in an elevator with his love interest, played by Carey Mulligan, and a giant guy he knows is there to kill him. Gosling pushes Mulligan into a corner, and as music slowly gushes forward and the lighting around them dims, kisses her in slow motion. It’s pretty beautiful, sort of like a high school fantasy kiss. As soon as it’s over, though, Gosling beats the would-be-killer to death by stomping his skull in while Mulligan watches. COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.

And yeah, a lot has been said about the soundtrack, but for good reason. I only wish John Maus had been involved. But both the movie and the soundtrack are worth watching and listening to approximately 1000 times.

BIRDEMIC: SHOCK AND TERROR (2008)

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Elizabeth

Birdemic: Shock and Terror is truly amazing in its complete ineptitude. What makes most elements good in movies is seamlessness and smoothness: seamless film editing, seamless sound editing, smooth acting; basically all things that don’t take you out of the story. Birdemic has none of these, or really any markers of a good movie, or even a professional movie for that matter. Sound editing is something that usually goes unnoticed, because that’s sort of the point. But the sound editing in Birdemic is as if a deaf person was behind it all: white noise cuts in and out, dialogue is cut short, sound effects start and end at the wrong times.

The special effects are more like Microsoft WordArt quality than special effects movie quality, particularly of the evil birds that attack people by hovering over them and squawking, which somehow leads to throats getting cut. The birds seriously look like Clip Art.

So, I guess you can only imagine what the story is like, in that it doesn’t make sense and is completely pointless. There’s a romance between two completely unremarkable people (including a pint-sized man), which gets interrupted by birds seemingly randomly murdering people. I sort of don’t remember how it gets resolved, or if there’s a resolution at all. But Birdemic: Shock and Terror is on Netflix and is honestly worth watching if you want to see something unbelievable.

Christopher

I saw this once before but I was a little too drunk and kept falling asleep so I was very pleased to hear that god ole Netflix threw it online for me to revisit this masterpiece.

There really isn’t much to say. It’s truly a terrible movie masterpiece. It’s very watchable, it’s very funny, and no matter how much you talk through it it’s easy to follow.

If you have not seen this movie then your life is not yet complete!

CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD (1998)

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Before we begin, I want to post the inspiration for our watching Chairman of the Board. Chris showed this to me a few months ago, and might be one of the best talk show interviews/clips I’ve ever seen:

Christopher

So I’m a pretty big Norm Macdonald fan and after seeing his famous Conan interview with Courtney Thorne-Smith I finally decided it was time to watch Chairman of the Board. I wasn’t quite sure what the movie was about except that other than the Conan interview it was a movie I constantly saw back when Blockbuster was around. The movie is truly like nothing I have ever seen before, it’s great!

The movie is completely unfunny and the story is pretty nonsensical but this movie just doesn’t give up. There are so many jokes in it I feel like Seth MacFarlane is probably pretty jealous. Even though Family Guy is a pretty awful show at least it has a few funny jokes sometimes. Chairman of the Board really has nothing. Carrot Top isn’t funny. I know pretty much everyone knows that but I would love to talk to whomever thought this movie was a good idea.

It’s not only that Carrot Top isn’t funny, he’s pretty gross looking. And he’s definitely not someone I want to see in any kind of love story. I really want to get into all the plot and character problems but there really are way too many so it’s not worth it.

This movie is like nothing I have ever seen before. I know if I saw it as a kid it would have really freaked me out with its hyper reality but luckily I have only been able to enjoy it as an adult. WATCH IT!!!

Elizabeth

Chairman of the Board is hard to watch. And I don’t mean to sound cruel, but one of the top reasons it’s so hard to watch is how ugly and unbearable Carrot Top is. I mean, he’s hideous. And this was before he got super weird looking. But, that aside, it’s still pretty difficult to watch.  Now, I’m not going to pretend a comedy’s plot has to make 100% sense for me to love it (I do love Encino Man), but it helps, and Chairman of the Board doesn’t even try. Carrot Top plays a broke, awful inventor who meets a billionaire, who soon dies and leaves his company to Carrot Top. For some reason.

What’s also difficult is the tone and the audience it’s supposed to be geared toward: is this a kids’ movie? Or for adults? I don’t think it’s supposed to be one of those kids’ movies with some clever adult jokes thrown in, but whatever it’s going for, it misses.

But without it, we probably wouldn’t have that clip of Norm Macdonald on Conan. So it’s worth it.

WISH UPON A STAR (1996)

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Elizabeth

Watching Wish Upon A Star as a 25 year old in 2013 is weird for a few reasons: A.) I saw this a million times on The Disney Channel in elementary school B.) It’s relatively raunchy for a Disney Channel movie C.) Katherine Heigl is in it D.) It is painfully 90’s; in its clothes, music, plot, everything.

So two sisters, two years apart and opposites of each other WISH UPON A STAR to both become the other sister, and then that happens, and they freak out and try to sabotage each other. But, even though this is a fantasy, the fact that they’re still dumbass teenagers is true and they only end up sabotaging themselves because they routinely forget that they’re trapped in each others’ bodies.

The younger sister is also weirdly obsessed with the older sister, and eventually the older sister becomes creepily involved with the younger sister. I’m not saying outright that there was incest but . . . give Wish Upon A Star a David Lynch or P.T. Anderson as a director and you’d have the incest-heavy, insane-parent movie that Wish Upon A Star WISHED it could be.

Christopher

I REMEMBERED SO MUCH ABOUT THIS MOVIE!!!!! I had no idea what this was before we started watching this, Elizabeth remembered it from years past, and right when it started I remembered pretty much everything. It’s funny how some stuff works cause I know when I saw Knocked Up Katherine Heigl looked familiar to me but I had no idea what from and now after seeing this I’m sure it was from watching it on TV all the time.

If you’re into the whole Disney Channel Original Movie scene definitely check this out!

THE LIFE ZONE (2011)

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Christopher

Man I was scared to watch this before it started. In my mind I had envisioned a Mike Meyers type character with a giant hanger-like weapon going around giving women abortions. Luckily it was not that. It was essentially just a movie about women who were saved from having an abortion who now have to watch anti-abortion movies while eating junk food, and waiting to give birth. GREAT FUN!!

It does have a bit of a twist ending so I won’t spoil anything but you should definitely watch this film. Either you will agree with the message and hoorah in triumph or you’ll see how stupid and over the top it is and have a good night while drinking whisky!

Elizabeth (spoilers! – not that it really matters)

The Life Zone is a movie I heard about a long time ago, and had tried to find forever. No bootlegs, no bargain bin copies, nothing. Until last week, while flipping through Netflix, I found that it had been miraculously added to Instant Netflix, and MY LIFE WAS CHANGED FOREVER.

Not really, of course, though as someone who was pro-choice before the movie, I’m sure that’s what director Rod Weber (of course his name is ROD) and writer Ken Del Vecchio wishes I would say. But, alas, I am still pro-choice after the movie, despite The Life Zone‘s threat of eternal damnation and punishment by getting pregnant (and by that I mean you just find yourself pregnant, there’s no fun involved), being pregnant, and then giving birth to twins over and over for eternity. While that does sound like a good example of absolute hell, the only thing that scared me about The Life Zone was that it got made.

So three women are kidnapped from abortion clinics pre-abortion, and held in some kind of Fallout 3-like hospital, cared for by an evil pro-life nurse who can’t have children (played by the older sister from Sixteen Candles) and forced to carry the pregnancies to term while being bombarded with propaganda. By the end of their pregnancies, two of the three women have seen the light and realize their desire to get abortions were wrong. But there’s one stickler of a woman, and after all the babies are born, the two “converted” women poof away (to heaven? to earth? Were they real at all?) and leave the abortion-happy lady and the evil nurse. We then find out that the abortion-happy lady in fact died on the “operating table” (because that’s how abortions work in 2011?) and the evil nurse actually killed herself because her husband left her because she couldn’t have a kid, and so now for eternity they get to hang out together and have/help have babies. Fun for all!

But yeah, this movie is scary. I guess if you’re anti-woman, anti-abortion, and pro-torture porn, this is the movie for you.