THAT’S MY BOY (2012)

thats-my-boy-sandler-samberg-vanilla-ice

Elizabeth

Here’s what That’s My Boy starts off with:

A teacher sexual harasses, molests, and rapes a 12 year old student. When the teacher is brought to trial, a statement that the teacher wrote is read by the judge: “I would fuck that kid again and again.” The relationship causes a pregnancy, which the student is left to raise, while the teacher is imprisoned for rape.

Is this a LIfetime Original movie? Or a Lars von Trier movie? Or just something really horrifying? HAHA, NO. IT’S AN ADAM SANDLER COMEDY. See, the student in question is a 12 year old BOY and the teacher in question is played by Eva Amurri Martino, who is hot and sexy (and Susan Sarandon’s daughter), so it’s a dream come true! And not a nightmare at all! It’s hilarious that the teacher mimes a blowjob toward the child as he reads at his bar mitzvah. Ha ha ha!!

The fact that this storyline is incredibly horrifying and fucked up and this is not addressed is incredibly disturbing to me. The teacher-student relationship is revealed to the public because they are caught having sex on the school’s auditorium stage behind the curtain during student council speeches. The teacher runs off, but the entire school, save for a few female teachers, cheers the kid for having sex with the teacher. Are no cops called? Is the kid not put into therapy? WHAT THE FUCK.

Of course, this kid is a young Donny Berger, the older version of which is played by Adam Sandler. He gets rich off his story and subsequently loses his riches, as well as his son, played by Andy Samberg, who leaves home when he’s 18. Money troubles causes Donny to seek out his son, whom he named Han Solo but now goes by the name Todd Peterson, and because Todd is now a successful hedge fund investor guy, hilarity ensues on the weekend of Todd’s wedding.

In the end, Todd does not marry his fiance because it is discovered she has been having sex with her little brother. That’s right. Let me repeat: in the end, Todd does not marry his fiance because it is discovered she has been having sex with her little brother. Before the movie ends, though, there’s an awful scene in which Donny is wrestling with his son, gets an erection, and then wags the erection in his son’s face. This happens. Todd also ends up quitting his hugely successful job and returns home to Boston with Donny, who wins a ton of money on a bet (he bet a fat guy could win a marathon), so all problems are solved!

EXCEPT FOR THE UNBELIEVABLE EMOTIONAL DAMAGE INFLICTED ON VARIOUS CHARACTERS DUE TO MOLESTATION, RAPE, AND INCEST.

But, whatever. Ha ha!

Christopher

Adam Sandler does it again! This movie does a great job of portraying pedophilia as the comedy it is….

But I think this is a perfect time to get serious. It is an absolute outrage that Andy Samberg of SNL fame is marrying Joanna Newsom. #pleasenojoanna

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