Our friend Fred joined us in watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III. Here’s what he had to say:


Well, I suppose I should first thank Chris and Bitty for letting me join their ridiculous blog of the world’s worst movies. And Helen and Dave for letting us borrow this fine trilogy. But I will also say ‘you’re welcome’ for feeding and hosting you fools.

To be honest I have no idea what happened in this movie. Growing up I saw the first two Turtle movies in theatres and thought they were some of the most amazing works of film since Goonies. (Keep in mind that was my point of reference at the time). I have always held these two movies dear to my heart . . .until I watched them as an adult. And as for the third, I knew it would be terrible even when I was a kid. I saw about five minutes of it in a hotel in the late nineties and knew it could never match up to what I thought the first two, the second being the best. It’s like The Godfather, the third one is just not worth watching (from what I hear- I’ve never seen the third one).

The first movie is the best in regards to the origin and character development. I have always identified with Raphael. The hotheaded loner with obviously the coolest weapons of the bunch. Leonardo is too cool, the presumed leader of the bunch and frankly swords make things too easy (although he never uses them…). Donatello was my second favorite, the smart, calm and collected one. I’m pretty sure he is the only one to ever actually use his weapon. And Michelangelo. My favorite artist of the namesakes, but my least favorite turtle. I hate the color orange and he is too cocky and immature, concerned more with pizza, and making sure there are NO ANCHOVIES. Why would you even mention anchovies, they aren’t going to accidentally cover your pizza with stinky fish and deliver it to a sewer of overgrown turtles. He is pretty good with nunchucks, though.

The first movie was also the darkest. I remember recoiling in shock when Raphael said “Damn!” when he lost one of his sais.  Watching Raphael go out on his own, in a trench coat and fedora, only to be noticed by Casey Jones when he is doing martial arts on the roof of a neighboring building. “Hey look at that giant turtle doing karate!” That line didn’t make it to the movie, but I wish I had submitted it. But what is the deal with them going to house in the country? I felt like I was watching the second season of Walking Dead when they found themselves at the farmhouse. I stopped watching and haven’t looked back.

The second movie was my favorite as a kid, but looking back the first was way better. Casey Jones is in the first. And Danny’s  (who I used to think was named Sid because of his t-shirt, I associated the name Sid with evil) wayward ways and the underground hotbed of sin always scared me. April is way better looking in the second, but that stupid Japanese pizza delivery boy with the squeaky voice is terrible. But the new home of a beautiful abandoned subway station was always a highlight.

Both movies have tons of flaws, but none compared to the third. First of all, I don’t remember a single slice of pizza. I was hoping they would discover sushi, only to be disappointed. Second I have no idea what the plot was. Time travel is a tricky subject that usually creates more questions than answers and this movie has no answers. The rubber suits in the first two movies are great, but these were way too green and awfully skinny. Casey Jones does make a superlative return, somehow guiding transported ancient Japanese warriors in a neon fast-paced New York.  The turtles’ mouths over-enunciated, baring more teeth than any turtle I have ever seen.

I can’t even begin to delve into the plot, as I don’t recall one. There is barely any differentiation between the turtles as far as characters go, except for the fact that Donatello is working over the magic lamp thing and plugs in a cosign, solving the time traveling problem while buried in a pile of that old computer paper with the holes down the side (can you hear that printer sound?)   I’m not really sure who the bad guys were. Or who that mysterious handsome English guy was that seemed to be the only one interested in April. Her role as a reporter isn’t even mentioned. I did appreciate the fact that the reason the one Japanese dude transported to New York could speak English was explained by one of the turtles that the British started trading with the Japanese in the 1600s.

I don’t think I will ever watch this movie again. I will show my kids the first two, but I will lie if they ever ask if there is a third.

I hope I haven’t overstayed my welcome here, but thank you for having me. I’ll grab my coat show myself the door.


I’m sure I’ve seen one of the Ninja Turtles when I was a kid, maybe the first one. But I didn’t really know a third one existed until Chris and Fred suggested we watch it. Because I haven’t seen the first two in probably 18 years or something, that might have put me at a disadvantage (Chris and Fred recently watched the first two together). But the boys confirmed that even to them, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III did not make a whole hell of a lot of sense.

A lot of the movie takes place in “Japan” in “1603” (it was filmed in Oregon and all the Japanese characters speak perfect English), because April and the turtles somehow transported through time with the help of a magical gas light post. The turtles originally go back in time to save April, who went there accidentally, but they meet up with her pretty quickly and then it’s sort of unclear why they’re still there. Or maybe I just completely missed it. But I was stone cold sober and I am 25 with a college degree, so I sort of just lean toward bad storytelling for not making the plot of a kids’ movie clear enough.

There’s just . . . not a lot going on here . . .


As a kid I remembered this being the worst TMNT movie. A few months ago I watched the second film with Fred. I remembered that one being so cool and badass but that was not the case at all. It was boring and hard to watch. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III is the same. So since it’s an awful movie, it’s just as bad as the other too.

My favorite part by far was when the classic “Tarzan Boy” is played. Right when it came on I remembered that song immediately! However, after looking it up I think I know this song from the 50+ times I’ve seen Beverly Hills Cop Ninja(editor’s note: I know it’s Beverly Hills Ninja. But when talking about it, Chris kept saying “Beverly Hills Cop Ninja,” and I thought it was really cute and funny so I won’t correct it – Elizabeth)

Here’s hoping the new movie coming out is half as good as this.


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