THE MARRIAGE CHRONICLES (2012)

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Christopher

On this movie journey we have run into a good amount of sexist movies but we might have run across the worst so far? I kind of don’t remember a lot of this film except that the fact that it has an almost Saw-like plot. People in this film torture and kill and no one suffers any conequenses. People actually never bring it up again . . . it’s very bizarre.

MUST SEE!!!

Elizabeth

The Marriage Chronicles is so disgusting in its anti-woman views I think I blocked a lot of it out. Even though I watched it two days ago, I don’t remember much except scoffing and rolling my eyes a lot and feeling more and more disgusted with the messages this piece of shit movie was trying to send. The most egregious of these messages was the old classic that women, or at least, “Good Christian women,” are not supposed to enjoy sex. In fact, they’re not even supposed to have sex unless it’s with their husband and only for purposes of conception. I’m going to ignore the homophobia that that view implies, because it’s not even worth it, and because of course writer and director is Paul D. Hannah is homophobic. He’s already mind-numbingly sexist, he might as well be homophobic. But anyway, this idea of sex-for-conception-only would be radical even for Tyler Perry; that’s going into super conservative, religious zealot type of territory. And that’s always fun!

And you know, I’m not even going to go into how utterly insane this movie is, in that a marriage counselor and her husband essentially kidnap three couples. Or how this is a cheap rip-off of Why Did I Get Married Too, which is saying a lot. Or how one of the main characters reveals that he murdered his wife’s ex-husband, whom was also the father of her child and she was still in love with . . . and it’s never brought up again, or punished, or anything remotely like that. Whatever!

The single redeeming thing about The Marriage Chronicles really only exists in my head, because I like to think the title is a weird play on The Martian Chronicles . . . but I doubt that.

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PINEAPPLE EXPRESS (2008)

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Elizabeth

I love Pineapple Express. I’ve seen it at least 4 times at this point and it just never fails to get me. I’m not really a huge stoner movie fan, Half Baked is great and Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle has its moments, but for the most part I just don’t think they’re that funny, usually because the plot of the movie intentionally falls short due to the genre. But Pineapple Express is sort of complex for a stoner movie, and it really works to its advantage. It mixes standard stoner-type of comedy with random images and extreme violence, which just adds to it. Like when Saul (James Franco) bursts into a warehouse with an assault rifle to go after a corrupt cop (Rosie Perez), the film shows him doing this in slow motion while yelling “Fuck the police!” Saul fails at this, of course, because he doesn’t know what he’s doing. But he’s obviously always wanted to do something like that, and he’s stoned, and that desire supersedes any sense he might have in the situation. Another great part is when Saul and Dale (Seth Rogen) are being chased by the corrupt cop, whose car is right up next to theirs, Saul slams on the breaks. Movies have told Saul that this will cause the cop to keep going past them, because they’re both going so fast. But instead, the corrupt cop stops, too, and begins shooting into the car. It’s another stupid move, but is sort of understandable in the context.

I also really love male friendships and the one between Dale and Saul is just one of the best. At first, Dale is sort of creeped out by how friendly Saul is, but throughout their adventures together they learn to understand and, yes, love each other. It’s pretty cute.

Christopher

I enjoyed this movie a lot more than I remembered when I first saw it. I think James Franco is definitely the star of this film. He’s got that drug dealer persona down pretty good. I think this movie made me really want to watch Superbad and Knocked Up again. I’d be pretty curious to see if I would still like them.

This movie may have inspired me to buy a pineapple corer today…..but I guess we’ll never truly know.

I KNOW WHO KILLED ME (2007)

I KNOW WHO KILLED ME

Christopher

It was nice to see another Lindsay Lohan movie. I think this movie was a little too complex for its own good. I consistently had no idea what was going on. This might have been because it was difficult to pay attention after some great Salvadoran food but I do feel like the movie redeems itself with its ridiculousness.

Elizabeth

I Know Who Killed Me is painful to watch on many different levels:

  • The super saturated blues and reds, which are SUPER SYMBOLIC, start to sort of hurt after an hour or so
  • Gratuitous and gross Lindsay Lohan pole dancing (two scenes that I remember, both of which are super long)
  • Gratuitous and gross Lindsay Lohan sex scene (also super long)
  • Gory torture sequences
  • Nonsensical plot
  • The true beginning of the end of Lindsay Lohan’s film career, and that’s just sort of sad

I Know Who Killed Me manages to be utterly weird and predictable at the same time. There are elements of horror movie cliches: the serial killer is a character we met for a few minutes in the beginning and we never see or hear from him again; the predictable twist (because you know there’s a twist) comes with no surprise; the father is involved in some way, etc etc. But then there’s some really weird stuff, and not weird in a good way: Lindsay Lohan plays twins (again), as one twin gets tortured, the other one experiences weird twin-induced stigmata (so when Aubrey, the good twin, gets her leg finger cut off by the killer, Dakota, the bad twin, also loses her finger in the middle of a pole dance); the tone of the movie switches from horror to comedy to sexy movie without any warning or justification; and probably my favorite: in the end, Dakota figures everything out and somehow finds Aubrey, who has been buried alive. She’s still alive somehow and Dakota breaks her free (using her insane robot hand . . . kind of a long story) and instead of calling 911 or performing CPR or really doing anything that makes sense, Dakota just lays down on the ground with Aubrey . . . and then the movie ends. There’s an alternate ending on the DVD that cuts away from them laying on the ground to show Aubrey finishing up her story about two twins who get tortured, so the whole movie was all a shitty creative writing assignment. That ending would have been worse, but not by much.

I don’t know if this is really worth seeing, because even though there are really funny parts (especially anything to do with that crazy robot hand), but then really boring parts and really grisly parts, so it’s kind of a tossup. I was ready for the movie to end when it did.