FATHER OF THE BRIDE PART II (1995)

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Christopher

Father of the Bride Part II is so precious and gross it should be awful . . . but it’s just so charming and nice. I would say that it’s actually better than the first. It actually has a little drama with the whole double pregnancy story line.

I do hate how bright these movies are, they’re filmed like an episode of a Paula Deen show. I don’t want everything to be super bright and orange and hazy.

This movie kind of reminds me of Judd Apatow movies because it’s just about wealthy people enjoying their wealth. I can’t really say if I like Apatow or the Father of the Bride movies more.

Elizabeth

Okay, whatever. I don’t know what Chris is going to write about this movie, but if it’s mean, he’s WRONG. How can you say anything bad about this movie? It’s perfect in its pleasantness, in its simplicity, in its good naturedness. Like the first movie, Father of the Bride Part II is a movie that exists in an idyllic world, where people are nice and everything is clean and problems come up occasionally but it all works out in the end because LIFE IS NICE AND ISN’T IT NICE TO WATCH A MOVIE ABOUT THAT?

I was wondering if I had grown up watching something like Larry Crowne, a movie that I think is so boring and bad because of its lack of conflict, if I would think of it the way I do the Father of the Bride movies. And I guess it’s possible, but what the Father of the Bride movies have over movies like Larry Crowne is that they’re genuinely funny. Now, is it the most complex of comedy? No. But it’s nice! And it’s cute and it’s funny. One of my favorite parts is when George (Steve Martin) and Nina (Diane Keaton) are driving home from the doctor’s office after just finding out that Nina is pregnant. When Nina, who is excited about the baby, looks how her window, she seems comedically perfect scenarios of children, like a beautiful young mother skipping down the sidewalk with her equally beautiful little daughter. However, when George, who is not excited about the baby, looks out his window, he sees (what I consider) reality: things like a little kid throwing a tantrum because he wants a hot dog before throwing food in his father’s face and running off. It’s a simple scene, but also, in my mind, just sort of perfect. JUST LIKE BOTH OF THE FATHER OF THE BRIDE MOVIES!!

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THE ENCOUNTER: PARADISE LOST (2012)

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Christopher

I really did love this movie. What this film did best was turn Jesus into the villain.
WATCH IT!! But apparently the first one is even better…and it has STING the wrestler in it.

 

Elizabeth

Jesus (Bruce Marchiano) in The Encounter: Paradise Lost sucks. I’m not religious, but I know about Christianity and the Jesus portrayed in this movie is a lot less like the Jesus from The Bible and more like tea party super Christians. He says things like “Was it fair that I had to leave my place in heaven and be put up on a cross for your sins? No.” He also does shitty things like tempt a woman going through heroin withdrawal by waving a baggie of heroin in her face and essentially threatening her: she can either take the heroin and be okay for a short time or accept Jesus as her savior and be cured FOREVER! She takes the better deal of getting cured forever, but of course it’s in exchange of being into this asshole. Does Jesus really need to work that hard to convert people? Doesn’t he just accept everyone as they are? And at one point he says to someone “I’m ready to forgive you, but . . .” Shouldn’t Jesus have automatically already forgiven everyone for whatever? Isn’t that part of his shtick? He’s ultra self-righteous and plays the victim like he’s Tierra from Season 17 of The Bachelor.

Besides Jesus being kind of an ass (and super white?), all of the other characters are either stupid, sort of insane, or just kind of boring and/or useless. See, Jesus has rounded a bunch of people up in Thailand at a hotel to ride out a hurricane. While there, Jesus essentially conducts a weird group therapy session, because he knows everything about everyone so he puts everything out there. What really bothered me is that no one asked Jesus to prove who he was. Okay, yeah, he knows a lot about these people. But couldn’t he have stopped the hurricane? Or turned the rain into wine? Or made a fireball shoot out of his hands? Something? Isn’t that part of the whole point of meeting Jesus? The closest they come is when a couple asks Jesus to bring their dead son back, which he won’t do. I don’t know, all signs point to this guy not being Jesus and instead being a super freaky stalker guy. Dumb.

 

SOUTH PARK: BIGGER, LONGER & UNCUT (1999)

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Elizabeth

I don’t know when I first saw South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut, but it was definitely before I watched the show in any serious way. Even as a kid I was never really into toilet humor, and that was pretty much all I thought South Park was.

I started taking it seriously in college and ever since then I’d been meaning to re-watch the movie, but I had never gotten around to until this past weekend. Obviously it was funny, especially now that I’m way more familiar with the goings on of South Park. But I what I had forgotten was just how good the musical element of the movie is. After The Book of Mormon, the musical talents of Trey Parker and Matt Stone aren’t shocking, but it was really fun to watch them create songs in their own element (South Park, of course). I also realized I pretty much knew all the words to “Blame Canada” due to the pretty awesome (at least by Oscar standards) performance of the song by Robin Williams at the Oscars when it was actually nominated for one, which I’ve watched and listened to many times since.

Also, when I first saw this movie, I thought the Satan/Saddam Hussein relationship was really funny, but for some reason I wasn’t really expecting that to hold up. Aaaaand I was wrong.

Christopher

King of the Hill has been taking up all my animation needs these past few months but it was nice to see some South Park again. I think this is only my second time watching the South Park movie but it’s pretty perfect.

I remember first being exposed to South Park in 4th grade when I lived in Prattville, Alabama. All the kids in my grade would draw all the characters during lunch, recesses, or free time. I got pretty good at drawing everyone but I had still never watched the show. My parents finally let me stay up to watch an episode but it definitely didn’t turn into a daily routine. I think it was a roshambo episode but I might just be remembering the kids in my grade talking about that.

THE MARRIAGE CHRONICLES (2012)

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Christopher

On this movie journey we have run into a good amount of sexist movies but we might have run across the worst so far? I kind of don’t remember a lot of this film except that the fact that it has an almost Saw-like plot. People in this film torture and kill and no one suffers any conequenses. People actually never bring it up again . . . it’s very bizarre.

MUST SEE!!!

Elizabeth

The Marriage Chronicles is so disgusting in its anti-woman views I think I blocked a lot of it out. Even though I watched it two days ago, I don’t remember much except scoffing and rolling my eyes a lot and feeling more and more disgusted with the messages this piece of shit movie was trying to send. The most egregious of these messages was the old classic that women, or at least, “Good Christian women,” are not supposed to enjoy sex. In fact, they’re not even supposed to have sex unless it’s with their husband and only for purposes of conception. I’m going to ignore the homophobia that that view implies, because it’s not even worth it, and because of course writer and director is Paul D. Hannah is homophobic. He’s already mind-numbingly sexist, he might as well be homophobic. But anyway, this idea of sex-for-conception-only would be radical even for Tyler Perry; that’s going into super conservative, religious zealot type of territory. And that’s always fun!

And you know, I’m not even going to go into how utterly insane this movie is, in that a marriage counselor and her husband essentially kidnap three couples. Or how this is a cheap rip-off of Why Did I Get Married Too, which is saying a lot. Or how one of the main characters reveals that he murdered his wife’s ex-husband, whom was also the father of her child and she was still in love with . . . and it’s never brought up again, or punished, or anything remotely like that. Whatever!

The single redeeming thing about The Marriage Chronicles really only exists in my head, because I like to think the title is a weird play on The Martian Chronicles . . . but I doubt that.

PINEAPPLE EXPRESS (2008)

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Elizabeth

I love Pineapple Express. I’ve seen it at least 4 times at this point and it just never fails to get me. I’m not really a huge stoner movie fan, Half Baked is great and Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle has its moments, but for the most part I just don’t think they’re that funny, usually because the plot of the movie intentionally falls short due to the genre. But Pineapple Express is sort of complex for a stoner movie, and it really works to its advantage. It mixes standard stoner-type of comedy with random images and extreme violence, which just adds to it. Like when Saul (James Franco) bursts into a warehouse with an assault rifle to go after a corrupt cop (Rosie Perez), the film shows him doing this in slow motion while yelling “Fuck the police!” Saul fails at this, of course, because he doesn’t know what he’s doing. But he’s obviously always wanted to do something like that, and he’s stoned, and that desire supersedes any sense he might have in the situation. Another great part is when Saul and Dale (Seth Rogen) are being chased by the corrupt cop, whose car is right up next to theirs, Saul slams on the breaks. Movies have told Saul that this will cause the cop to keep going past them, because they’re both going so fast. But instead, the corrupt cop stops, too, and begins shooting into the car. It’s another stupid move, but is sort of understandable in the context.

I also really love male friendships and the one between Dale and Saul is just one of the best. At first, Dale is sort of creeped out by how friendly Saul is, but throughout their adventures together they learn to understand and, yes, love each other. It’s pretty cute.

Christopher

I enjoyed this movie a lot more than I remembered when I first saw it. I think James Franco is definitely the star of this film. He’s got that drug dealer persona down pretty good. I think this movie made me really want to watch Superbad and Knocked Up again. I’d be pretty curious to see if I would still like them.

This movie may have inspired me to buy a pineapple corer today…..but I guess we’ll never truly know.

I KNOW WHO KILLED ME (2007)

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Christopher

It was nice to see another Lindsay Lohan movie. I think this movie was a little too complex for its own good. I consistently had no idea what was going on. This might have been because it was difficult to pay attention after some great Salvadoran food but I do feel like the movie redeems itself with its ridiculousness.

Elizabeth

I Know Who Killed Me is painful to watch on many different levels:

  • The super saturated blues and reds, which are SUPER SYMBOLIC, start to sort of hurt after an hour or so
  • Gratuitous and gross Lindsay Lohan pole dancing (two scenes that I remember, both of which are super long)
  • Gratuitous and gross Lindsay Lohan sex scene (also super long)
  • Gory torture sequences
  • Nonsensical plot
  • The true beginning of the end of Lindsay Lohan’s film career, and that’s just sort of sad

I Know Who Killed Me manages to be utterly weird and predictable at the same time. There are elements of horror movie cliches: the serial killer is a character we met for a few minutes in the beginning and we never see or hear from him again; the predictable twist (because you know there’s a twist) comes with no surprise; the father is involved in some way, etc etc. But then there’s some really weird stuff, and not weird in a good way: Lindsay Lohan plays twins (again), as one twin gets tortured, the other one experiences weird twin-induced stigmata (so when Aubrey, the good twin, gets her leg finger cut off by the killer, Dakota, the bad twin, also loses her finger in the middle of a pole dance); the tone of the movie switches from horror to comedy to sexy movie without any warning or justification; and probably my favorite: in the end, Dakota figures everything out and somehow finds Aubrey, who has been buried alive. She’s still alive somehow and Dakota breaks her free (using her insane robot hand . . . kind of a long story) and instead of calling 911 or performing CPR or really doing anything that makes sense, Dakota just lays down on the ground with Aubrey . . . and then the movie ends. There’s an alternate ending on the DVD that cuts away from them laying on the ground to show Aubrey finishing up her story about two twins who get tortured, so the whole movie was all a shitty creative writing assignment. That ending would have been worse, but not by much.

I don’t know if this is really worth seeing, because even though there are really funny parts (especially anything to do with that crazy robot hand), but then really boring parts and really grisly parts, so it’s kind of a tossup. I was ready for the movie to end when it did.

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III (1993) – WITH SPECIAL GUEST POST!

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Our friend Fred joined us in watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III. Here’s what he had to say:

Fred

Well, I suppose I should first thank Chris and Bitty for letting me join their ridiculous blog of the world’s worst movies. And Helen and Dave for letting us borrow this fine trilogy. But I will also say ‘you’re welcome’ for feeding and hosting you fools.

To be honest I have no idea what happened in this movie. Growing up I saw the first two Turtle movies in theatres and thought they were some of the most amazing works of film since Goonies. (Keep in mind that was my point of reference at the time). I have always held these two movies dear to my heart . . .until I watched them as an adult. And as for the third, I knew it would be terrible even when I was a kid. I saw about five minutes of it in a hotel in the late nineties and knew it could never match up to what I thought the first two, the second being the best. It’s like The Godfather, the third one is just not worth watching (from what I hear- I’ve never seen the third one).

The first movie is the best in regards to the origin and character development. I have always identified with Raphael. The hotheaded loner with obviously the coolest weapons of the bunch. Leonardo is too cool, the presumed leader of the bunch and frankly swords make things too easy (although he never uses them…). Donatello was my second favorite, the smart, calm and collected one. I’m pretty sure he is the only one to ever actually use his weapon. And Michelangelo. My favorite artist of the namesakes, but my least favorite turtle. I hate the color orange and he is too cocky and immature, concerned more with pizza, and making sure there are NO ANCHOVIES. Why would you even mention anchovies, they aren’t going to accidentally cover your pizza with stinky fish and deliver it to a sewer of overgrown turtles. He is pretty good with nunchucks, though.

The first movie was also the darkest. I remember recoiling in shock when Raphael said “Damn!” when he lost one of his sais.  Watching Raphael go out on his own, in a trench coat and fedora, only to be noticed by Casey Jones when he is doing martial arts on the roof of a neighboring building. “Hey look at that giant turtle doing karate!” That line didn’t make it to the movie, but I wish I had submitted it. But what is the deal with them going to house in the country? I felt like I was watching the second season of Walking Dead when they found themselves at the farmhouse. I stopped watching and haven’t looked back.

The second movie was my favorite as a kid, but looking back the first was way better. Casey Jones is in the first. And Danny’s  (who I used to think was named Sid because of his t-shirt, I associated the name Sid with evil) wayward ways and the underground hotbed of sin always scared me. April is way better looking in the second, but that stupid Japanese pizza delivery boy with the squeaky voice is terrible. But the new home of a beautiful abandoned subway station was always a highlight.

Both movies have tons of flaws, but none compared to the third. First of all, I don’t remember a single slice of pizza. I was hoping they would discover sushi, only to be disappointed. Second I have no idea what the plot was. Time travel is a tricky subject that usually creates more questions than answers and this movie has no answers. The rubber suits in the first two movies are great, but these were way too green and awfully skinny. Casey Jones does make a superlative return, somehow guiding transported ancient Japanese warriors in a neon fast-paced New York.  The turtles’ mouths over-enunciated, baring more teeth than any turtle I have ever seen.

I can’t even begin to delve into the plot, as I don’t recall one. There is barely any differentiation between the turtles as far as characters go, except for the fact that Donatello is working over the magic lamp thing and plugs in a cosign, solving the time traveling problem while buried in a pile of that old computer paper with the holes down the side (can you hear that printer sound?)   I’m not really sure who the bad guys were. Or who that mysterious handsome English guy was that seemed to be the only one interested in April. Her role as a reporter isn’t even mentioned. I did appreciate the fact that the reason the one Japanese dude transported to New York could speak English was explained by one of the turtles that the British started trading with the Japanese in the 1600s.

I don’t think I will ever watch this movie again. I will show my kids the first two, but I will lie if they ever ask if there is a third.

I hope I haven’t overstayed my welcome here, but thank you for having me. I’ll grab my coat show myself the door.

Elizabeth

I’m sure I’ve seen one of the Ninja Turtles when I was a kid, maybe the first one. But I didn’t really know a third one existed until Chris and Fred suggested we watch it. Because I haven’t seen the first two in probably 18 years or something, that might have put me at a disadvantage (Chris and Fred recently watched the first two together). But the boys confirmed that even to them, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III did not make a whole hell of a lot of sense.

A lot of the movie takes place in “Japan” in “1603” (it was filmed in Oregon and all the Japanese characters speak perfect English), because April and the turtles somehow transported through time with the help of a magical gas light post. The turtles originally go back in time to save April, who went there accidentally, but they meet up with her pretty quickly and then it’s sort of unclear why they’re still there. Or maybe I just completely missed it. But I was stone cold sober and I am 25 with a college degree, so I sort of just lean toward bad storytelling for not making the plot of a kids’ movie clear enough.

There’s just . . . not a lot going on here . . .

Christopher

As a kid I remembered this being the worst TMNT movie. A few months ago I watched the second film with Fred. I remembered that one being so cool and badass but that was not the case at all. It was boring and hard to watch. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III is the same. So since it’s an awful movie, it’s just as bad as the other too.

My favorite part by far was when the classic “Tarzan Boy” is played. Right when it came on I remembered that song immediately! However, after looking it up I think I know this song from the 50+ times I’ve seen Beverly Hills Cop Ninja(editor’s note: I know it’s Beverly Hills Ninja. But when talking about it, Chris kept saying “Beverly Hills Cop Ninja,” and I thought it was really cute and funny so I won’t correct it – Elizabeth)

Here’s hoping the new movie coming out is half as good as this.