SHROOMS (2007)

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Christopher

A good horror movie if you don’t really want to watch and don’t think about it at all. The movie takes place in Ireland for some reason, it looks like northern California, and some college kids decide to eat shrooms and trip in a forest occupied by inbred Irish folk, who can’t speak and eat road kill for dinner. There is a trick ending though so watch out but I will say if you think you know what’s going on, it’s quite possible you won’t because none of the movie makes sense, and you know how it’s going to end.

Maybe a must watch? But watching Scream or something would probably a better use of your time.

Elizabeth (spoilers! – not that you should care)

I wonder what the motivation behind making Shrooms was for everyone involved. Especially Jack Huston. I mean, I know everyone needs work and this was pre-Boardwalk Empire . . . but still. I also really hope that this isn’t supposed to be a PSA-ish anti-drug movie. Because if it is, it’s much more on the level of Reefer Madness than Requiem for a Dream.

Lindsay Haun plays Tara (who is also in True Blood occasionally), a girl on a trip to Ireland with a group of asshole friends. I was actually shocked to discover in the end that Shrooms was actually filmed in Ireland, and not Canada or the northwestern United States. The colors are so awful that it doesn’t look like any real specific landscape, but certainly not Ireland. Anyway, Jack Huston plays Jake, who is taking all of the friends to the woods to trip on shrooms for the first time. Going to a foreign country, to foreign woods, to do a hallucinogen that you’ve never done before sounds completely horrifying, but whatever. Jake neglects to inform everyone while they’re looking for the shrooms that there’s a special kind of shroom, that looks almost identical to what they want, that will cause you to have premonitions and then almost immediate death. Because of his insane oversight in not telling anyone, Tara eats the bad shrooms and has visions of everyone’s deaths, which, one by one come true. In the end, we discover it was actually Tara who killed everyone while on a shroom-fueled rampage. It’s sort of weird when you realize that the “twist” is so overplayed and cliche that it doesn’t even seem like a twist anymore.

There’s other weird stuff, like how one of the characters sees an abandoned car in the woods and when he approaches it, the window rolls down slightly so he puts his penis in the window for a blowjob. His penis gets cut/bitten off, of course, as one might expect, because he’s completely insane for doing that.

It’s just crazy how not scary this movie makes the actual drug seem if you know the least bit about shrooms’ effects. But don’t do drugs!

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UNCONDITIONAL (2012)

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Elizabeth

Unconditional stars a girl who dies early on in the first season of True Blood and a guy who has appeared in such fine films as Think Like A Man and For Colored Girls. I’m pointing this out to demonstrate the caliber we’re working with here (don’t get me wrong – I love True Blood, but this girl is one of the first to die in the whole series). So Lynn Collins plays Samantha, whose husband was murdered by an anonymous black mechanic – his mechanic status given away by the red rag at the scene, and only mechanics can have red rags. Michael Ealy plays Joe Bradford, aka “Papa Joe,” this super weird guy who has to use dialysis for a wound he got in a prison fight and whose ambiguous occupation appears to be to hang out with elementary school kids. It’s super weird, but no one thinks it’s weird, like when Joe and Samantha take all these kids on a field trip to Samantha’s ranch, and then end up sleeping there, like it’s no big thing.

Samantha and Joe surprising don’t fall in love, because Samantha is a good Christian and although she’s a widow, she’s still married (or something). In the end, Samantha tracks down her husband’s killer (Anthony Jones – a really easy name to follow up on), only to find that he’s not the killer, just a random guy her husband creepily befriended right before he died. Her husband was killed by an anonymous white homeless man – whom she never tries to find. She gets the biggest break in her quest to find her husband’s killer, and as soon as she finds out he’s a white homeless guy, she drops it completely. What the fuck?

There’s also a horse subplot. About a horse helping a girl learn to speak, or some shit. I hate horses, the end.

Christopher

This movie was pretty scary. The main character’s job is to watch children in some kind of city program . . . maybe? What his movie was really about was a man, and a bus driver, kidnapping children who come from homes that won’t miss them and take them on sleepovers. While this is going on a woman is trying to find out who killed her husband. She sees a man with a red handkerchief, which she saw at the crime scene, and assumes it’s the same person . . . and somehow it is? BUT he didn’t kill her husband, he was just there. He tells the widow that some white crackhead killed her husband aaaaaand she doesn’t care anymore?