It took me forever but since Grown Ups 2 is now in theaters I felt that we had to watch this. It really is an all-star cast! I would say all the main male characters, other than Chris Rock MAYBE, starring in any movie, makes it an instantly shitty film. All completely worth watching. Of course the biggest one out of them being Adam Sandler. It really feels like he might be some sort of Antichrist. He’s pretty shitty and I feel that Grown Ups is further truth of this. The whole movie is about a group of friends coming together for a reunion of sorts once their basketball coach dies. Everyone is really mean and shitty to each other. But, the whole time no one really makes fun of Adam Sandler and at one point Adam Sandler starts slapping Kevin James’ character with a pancake I think? The whole time Kevin James just has to accept it? Oh but it’s because Kevin James is FAT!!!!!
– Kevin James: His whole character revolves around this. Every time he opens his mouth you already end the joke by saying, “CAUSE HE’S FAT!!!!!”
– Chris Rock: He’s the feminine one. He cooks for his wife who has a job and he’s not good at basketball. Every time he speaks it ends with you knowing he’s less of a man because his wife just makes fun of him.
– Rob Schneider: He’s the spiritual guy who loves old, old women. He has one really hot daughter who all the other guys want to have sex with and he has another daughter, who looks more like him, and everyone just makes fun of the whole time. But of course they do! Why would they be nice to someone that UGLY!!!
– David Spade: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha he’s supposed to be a ladies man?
– ADAM SANDLER: So he has demon sons who don’t love nature, so Adam Sandler tries to get them to go outside and play like he used to as a kid. Adam Sandler did raise them to act this way but for some reason he just thinks they’re dumb. Adam Sandler is supposed to be good at basketball?? He only shoots bank shots?
Finally, what I think is truly the worst part about this film and really any film with any of these guys is that they are all so shitty to their wives/girlfriends (I guess Chris Rock is the only exception in this movie). I wonder if these guys know that IF YOU DON’T LIKE SOMEONE DON’T BE IN A RELATIONSHIP ESPECIALLY MARRIAGE WITH THEM.
Since you’re reading this blog, I think I can safely bet that you’re smart. So you’ve probably heard that Grown Ups is bad and you probably assume as much. But I have news for you. Grown Ups is much, much, much worse than you could possibly imagine.
Grown Ups is so actively unfunny and boring that I often forgot that what we were watching was supposed to be a comedy film rather than just scenes of Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade, and Rob Schneider sitting around in various locations in a Sandler-led circle jerk. All these guys are supposed to be playing recently reunited childhood friends that are going to supposedly remain friends, yet they can’t stop shitting on each other . . . most notably on Kevin James, because his only character trait is being fat and most notably not on Adam Sandler, who, as co-producer and co-writer, is obviously the mastermind behind this cash cow.
But what I want to really focus on here are the women of this movie. Did you even know that Grown Ups had women? I’d honestly just rather they didn’t. In this movie we are supposed to be believe that the pathetic characters of Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, and Kevin James are supposed to be married to Salma Hayek, Maya Rudolph, and Maria Bello, respectively. And that David Spade is a for real ladies’ man. It’s totally fucking insane. And then there’s the way they’re treated, with Salma Hayek getting the brunt of the awfulness. Her character, Roxanne, is married to Adam Sandler’s character, Lenny. Roxanne and Lenny have managed to raise utterly abhorrent children. Roxanne is a fashion designer of apparently great success, as her new line is set to premiere soon at Milan Fashion Week. Unfortunately for Roxanne, Milan Fashion Week coincides with her husband’s masturbatory, insufferable friend reunion, so she can’t go. Let me rephrase: Lenny does not allow her to go. Lenny does not allow her to do her job. So she can stay with him and their terrible children while he spends most of his time without them and with his absolutely shitty friends. Once Roxanne concedes to this, she finds out that Lenny long ago cancelled the Milan trip, without ever discussing this with her. BUT HEY IT’S OKAY, BECAUSE SHE’S JUST A SIMPLE WOMAN. It’s absolutely fucking maddening. Why did you do this, Salma Hayek? I absolutely hope she got paid a shit ton for this, or else I will not be able to tolerate her ever again.
I can’t even go into the fact that we discover Rob Schneider has a hot daughter that all the guys want to sleep with and a normal looking daughter that all the guys constantly make fun of, because just thinking about Grown Ups is making me clench my jaw in anger and I’ve already been to the dentist once this week.