This movie is fucking stupid, borders on child porn (not really but there are some uncomfortable moments), but it’s absolutely incredible to watch. It took us a while to finally sit down to watch this, it’s been on Netflix for at least a year now. This movie is basically Tyler Lautner trying to be an action star of some sort. He fails miserably but to be fair most of that is from the stupid story. Nothing makes sense.

What I do love about this movie is how they kind of set it up for a sequel but I think it’s pretty fair to say that they will never make one. But we can always pray for it!

Elizabeth (spoilers! – not that it matters)

There are so many disappointing things about Abduction.

The movie is set up to make you think that Nathan (Taylor Lautner), a teenager, was kidnapped as a child by the couple he thinks are his parents (Jason Isaacs and Maria Bello). Interesting, concept, right? Well, I agree, but unfortunately, the title of this film is extremely misleading because Nathan was not kidnapped and you’re never really supposed to think that (except maybe for like 10 minutes). This movie should actually be called Protection because, see, Nathan’s real dad is a super spy and his parents and therapist (Sigourney Weaver) are also spies that are supposed to protect him. So, that’s lame.

Taylor Lautner also disappoints by just sort of being in this movie. I like to think I’m open-minded enough that when someone says a man is attractive, even if I don’t think so, I can usually understand why. But I just don’t get it with Taylor Lautner. He’s weird looking! He has teeny eyes and what is perhaps the softest (as in, no strong lines, not skin softness) face of any adult male actor I can think of. Maybe younger girls think he’s non-threatening because he has the face of a 12 year old on the body of an overly buff man? But still. His face. Is weird. The sexiest guy in this movie would be a tie between Jason Isaacs and Michael Nyqvist. They’re the real heartthrobs!

It almost seems like the plot of the movie changed during post-production or something, but they still kept the original title. When we first meet Jason Issacs, it’s because he completely kicks the shit out of Taylor Lautner, his presumed son. I don’t just mean sparring or even aggressive wrestling. Jason Isaacs kicks Taylor Lautner in the heart, punches him repeatedly, kicks him while he’s down, etc etc. It’s crazy, but even crazier when you find out that Jason Isaacs did not kidnap him, he’s not a bad guy, and he and Taylor Lautner actually have a loving relationship? What? Even though Jason Isaacs is “training” Taylor Lautner for the inevitable shit show that will come when bad guys find out where he is, he could still train him without making it seem like he legit wanted to kill him. Right?

There’s also . . . a sex-ish scene in this movie. Between children. Okay, let me backup. So I guess Taylor Lautner was 19 and Lily Collins was 22 when this was filmed, but they legitimately look like 15 year olds. So when they’re in a train car (Fair Game?) alone, they start making out, complete with Lautner picking Collins up by her ass and banging each other against the wall. It was hard to watch. I felt like we might get arrested just for doing that. Also, again, just like Fair Game, the protagonists are completely useless when it comes to understanding technology while the bad guys are laughably insanely good at it (and also the bad guys are Russian, again).

Also a large part of this movie takes place during a Pittsburgh Pirates game for no reason and it’s really funny. The end.

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