ALL ABOUT STEVE (2009)

ALL ABOUT STEVE

Elizabeth

Here’s what I think All About Steve is supposed to be about, or at least what it wants you to think it’s about: a quirky, unlucky in love woman finds her way in the world after pursuing the man of her dreams, learning about herself, life, and love in the process.

Here’s what All About Steve is actually about: a mentally retarded woman stalks a man after almost sleeping with him, losing her job but gaining other mentally retarded friends in the process.

All About Steve is so fucking insane I have no idea how anyone remotely involved in it could ever think it wasn’t totally horrible. So Sandra Bullock plays Mary, who is living with her parents while her apartment gets fumigated. I’ve never lived in a place that needed to be fumigated, but doesn’t it only take a few days? Maybe a week at most? The movie is set up like Mary has completely moved back into her parents’ house, so I can only assume the apartment fumigation is a lie that Mary and her parents tell to mask the fact that she’s in her 40’s and living at home. Mary is the in-house crossword puzzle writer for some Sacramento newspaper. I’m extremely impressed that this random newspaper can afford to keep a crossword puzzle writer on staff full-time, and apparently pay pretty well. It’s almost as if the writers didn’t even attempt to be topical and address the decline of newspapers. But whatever!

So Mary’s parents set her up on a blind date with a news cameraman, Steve (Bradley Cooper). And despite the fact that Steve looks like a complete douchebag, Mary is overcome with desire for him and immediately changes out of her work clothes (which is what she was going to wear) and into her date clothes (consisting of an exposed bra). When they get to Steve’s car, Mary almost immediately jumps on him to have sex with him, which Steve is down for until Mary exposes herself as a TOTAL NERD. And because she’s a TOTAL NERD, Steve doesn’t have sex with her, doesn’t go on the date with her, and leaves her at her parents’ house. Now, I’m not going to say this is impossible. But. I cannot imagine that a man who has someone who looks like Sandra Bullock on top of them, stripping, would ever turn that down. Unless maybe Steve could tell that she wasn’t actually a nerd but retarded. Hmm . . .

So, like anyone in her position, Mary stalks Steve, first by printing a crossword puzzle about him, which gets her fired. This reminded me of Elizabethtown: should Mary get fired, or should the fucking editor of this stupid newspaper get fired? Does no one look at the paper before it goes to print? Just like in Elizabethtown, the fiasco somehow falls on the shoulders of the smallest people involved. So now that Mary is unemployed, she decides to spend her time following Steve on his various cameraman assignments including, but not limited to: a protest regarding the removal of a baby girl’s third leg, a tornado, and deaf children falling into an abandoned mine shaft. At the baby leg protest, Mary meets two other possibly retarded people. One of these people apparently makes a living by carving apples to be like the faces of celebrities. Okay.

Then Mary falls into the mine shaft herself. While her story is publicized, everyone falls in love with her (except Steve). When she gets out of the mine shaft, she suddenly doesn’t care much for Steve, and runs away with her new friends the end.

I skipped over so much because All About Steve is an insane mess, like how Mary wears red hooker boots the entire time with her only explanation being that, “Because it makes my toes feel like 10 friends on a camping trip.”

How did Sandra Bullock become involved in this? How did anyone become involved in this? How are Mary’s parents not the villains for not giving her proper treatment for whatever mental disability she has?

I don’t know. But All About Steve is too bad to ignore.

Christopher

This movie is so good!! When this movie came out I remember wanting to watch it cause it looked so bad but I’m glad I waited to see it so Elizabeth and I could share the experience together. Sandra Bullock plays an insane person, who also might be obsessed with The Wizard of Oz?

Bullock is insanely in love with Bradley Cooper only after a five minute date where she immediately tries to have sex with him? And I don’t think it was cause she was immediately in love with him, he just had something to have sex with her with. And after he gets rid of her, she follows him across country. And along the way she runs into hurricanes, children with three legs, and deaf children.

What I love about this movie is that we saw it so close to watching Gravity. How is this even the same actor? How could anyone think she could do Gravity after this?

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