THE BACK-UP PLAN (2010)

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Elizabeth

Oh. My. Fucking. God. I am so insanely sick of women in movies only being good for making babies, or at least be obsessed with or somehow connected to babies in some way. I feel like that’s all we’ve seen lately, and The Back-Up Plan is the god-awful culmination of all of that.

Jennifer Lopez is Zoe, who is single and wants a baby, so she gets artificially inseminated by a donor. Okay, that’s fine, whatever. After she gets the insemination done, she wanders around New York, being so sublimely happy that she freaks people out, like when she excitedly approaches a woman and her stroller and the woman yells “Get away from me!” I thought that might make the movie more funny or realistic, but of course not.

She meets Stan (Alex O’Loughlin) and also immediately becomes pregnant. Is that how that works? Every other movie and TV show I’ve seen makes it seems like insemination can be a long, emotional, sometimes fruitless process. But JLo gets pregnant like the next day. She wants to tell Stan, but her grandmother (or aunt? great aunt? I don’t know) gives her legit good advice: because she and Stan had only known each other like maybe two weeks, she tells Zoe to wait to tell him, because if it turns out that Stan is a jerk and they break up, then it won’t matter if he knows about the pregnancy anyway. Zoe agrees to this, and then immediately tells Stan. He freaks out, which is understandable, but he’s also a huge dick about it. He makes it seem like Zoe is out of her mind for getting inseminated, which, as much as I may personally agree with that, it’s obviously not insane for her, which is why she did it.

The rest of the movie is about them being a new couple while also dealing with her being pregnant. They’re both kind of awful to each other, but I thought he was especially dickish. His biggest dick move?

Well, see, apparently Stan is jealous of Zoe’s body pillow. Stan’s friend, whose wife also has a body pillow, calls it something like a man replacement. Okay. Now. I’ve never been pregnant and I really don’t know what it’s remotely like, but I do know that it can be really difficult to get comfortable enough to sleep, especially when you start to get real pregnant, like Zoe is at this point in the movie. And body pillows help! It helps women position themselves and their belly in a way that’s safe and comfortable. For some insane, narcissistic reason, Stan agrees with his friend that it’s a man replacement . . . SO HE STRAIGHT UP THROWS HER PILLOW OUT THE WINDOW AND INTO THE DUMPSTER. WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUCK. Does he want her to wrap her legs around him all night? To prop her belly on him all night? Is that for real what he wants? Because not only is that so selfish and stupid, it sounds uncomfortable for both of them. I don’t know. That just made me so mad. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable it can be to be pregnant, and the fact that he let his own retarded ego get in the way of his girlfriend being able to sleep made me hate him for the rest of the movie. There was literally nothing he could do to redeem himself.

Also, there’s a lot of shit, blood, and vomit in this movie. No joke. It’s gross. Everything about this movie is gross. UGH.

Christopher

Whaaaaaaaaaat? This movie is so crazy and is so scary on so many levels, I wasn’t sure what we were watching. The number one thing I had a problem with in this film, is that our two main characters never really seem to be in love. They are both so awful and boring, and so obsessed with themselves they never really seem any happier then they are when they first meet. ¬†Duuuuuuuuuumb.

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