THE ODD LIFE OF TIMOTHY GREEN (2012)

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Elizabeth

God. This fucking movie. Before we watched it I was actually afraid I might cry or at least tear up at the end, because I assumed it was going to be sad just for the sake of being sad, like so many other Disney movies. Luckily that didn’t happen, because I totally didn’t care about anyone in this movie!

So Cindy (Jennifer Garner) and Jim (Joel Edgerton) Green are a married couple with the absolute perfect life. They live in a super sweet mansion farmhouse thing, even though Jim works at a pencil factory and Cindy works at a pencil museum in “Illinois.” I’m putting Illinois in quotes because they never mention being in Illinois (I don’t think) but all the plates are from Illinois. But if you’ve ever spent two seconds in Illinois then it’s obvious that this super hilly autumn paradise is not Illinois. I thought it might be upstate New York, but it was actually filmed in Georgia, which did surprise me. But anyway, it’s so obviously not Illinois that it’s laughable.

Anyway, Cindy and Jim, this beautiful young couple who have a pretty good relationship and live in the sweetest ever house . . . are sad. Why? Because they don’t have a kid. Now, I’ve mentioned before that this makes no sense to me. Why do they want to ruin their perfect life with a kid? They’re told by their doctor that they can’t have a kid after they “tried your hardest.” I don’t know what that means. Did they have sex 24/7?

Anyway, heartbroken by the awesome news that they don’t have to worry about getting pregnant, they decide to write down all the qualities they want in a kid, put the papers in a cool wooden box that I guess they didn’t want anymore, and bury it in Cindy’s perfect vegetable garden. That night, a rainstorm comes and a naked, muddy kid shows up in their house. They freak out, especially because the kid’s name is Timothy, which is the name they wanted for a son. Also, Timothy has leaves growing out of his ankles.

They take Timothy to their botanist friend, who tries to cut the leaves off. Was this a weird message about circumcision? They want this part of Timothy cut off so that he’s “normal.” EVEN THOUGH HE APPEARED IN THEIR HOUSE BASED ON THEIR WISHES OUT OF NOWHERE. Lo and behold, though, the leaves can’t be cut off. So Cindy and Jim take Timothy to a pediatrician and a child psychologistHAHAHA just kidding, of course they don’t! They just enroll him in school!

Okay, so this fake Illinois town is only bigger than my real Illinois hometown by about 1,000; the population sign puts it at around 5,000 people. Uh, so, if this prominent young couple in my town suddenly had a fucking kid . . . people would, you know, NOTICE. No one ever questions them! They don’t even try to make an excuse for him. They just don’t talk about it.

I’m already talking way too much about this movie. But as it goes on, Timothy sheds a leaf anytime he makes someone happy. It’s like Pay It Forward but about a billion times more retarded. He falls in love with a girl who looks at least 14 (when he looks what, 10?) and also exactly like a young Mila Kunis to the point that it’s distracting, because she has a large-ish birth mark on her chest. Which, I mean, is basically the same thing as having leaves grow out of your ankles. He also does this thing where he looks up at the sun with his arms open, I guess to photosynthesize? It’s never explained, but it’s dumb.

Unfortunately for everyone except the viewers, it turns out that with each leaf he loses, Timothy gets closer to “death” which just means he goes back into the ground? I guess? He basically just disappears during a thunderstorm. Which takes us all back to the beginning, where we saw Cindy and Jim explaining their story to adoption people. Instead of walking out or calling the cops on them or something, the adoption people stay and listen to the Greens’ story, and then GIVES THEM A KID. What??? Also, the adoption people deliver the kid to them, which I guess is a nice perk.

The Odd Life of Timothy Green isn’t sad unless you’re insane or a child. It is so. STUPID.

Christopher

This movie was as dumb and insane as I thought it would be. I know if I saw it as a kid I would have been extremely freaked out that this had to do with death, but seeing it as an adult I can appreciate its stupidness. This movie has magic, dumb stories, and terrible families. CHECK IT OUT!

 
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