ANACONDA (1997)

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Elizabeth

Hahahahahahahhaahhaha oh my god this movie. I really don’t like snakes but the snake in this movie was so fake and unsnakelike that it never once occurred to me to be the least bit freaked out.

The greatest thing about watching this is Jon Voight’s terrible accent. He’s supposed to be from Uruguay or Paraguay or some other South American country, but you would never know it because his accent doesn’t exist in real life, in any country. It was this weird mix of Italian, French, Spanish, and mumble. He also constantly has some variation of this look on his face.

Sitting through this movie is entirely worth it, however, once Jon Voight gets eaten by the anaconda, then thrown up by the anaconda, and then vomited Jon Voight winks at Jennifer Lopez. This for real happens. Also, Ice Cube pretty much plays his exact character from Are We There Yet?, which is amazing and makes me think that maybe Ice Cube has a limited range.

There’s really a lot to say about this, but I don’t think anything can do Anaconda justice like just sitting through the movie yourself. Imagine that Apocalypse Now and Congo had a movie baby together and that movie baby spit up another movie . . . then you’d get Anaconda.

Christopher

Watching this movie, it reminded me a lot of Congo. I have distinct memories of people loving this when I was a kid but watching it now, it’s crazy nonsense! I mean the movie is mostly about a psychotic Jon Voight. The only reason they ever have to fight multiple anacondas is because Voight attracts them. This whole movie is about a documentary film crew inviting a killer onto their boat, who eventually starts killing them while trying to capture a snake. Also the snakes in this movie are not some kind of genetic mutations, they’re just supposed two big, big anacondas.

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REINDEER GAMES (2000)

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Christopher

I remember when this movie came out. I think I might have thought it was going to be too scary? Well I never saw it and it’s very obvious why. This movie is god awful. What sticks out most about this entire movie, is why did it keep on going? Ben Affleck’s character really doesn’t need to be involved at all! And he only does get involved, because he straight up lies just to be in a relationship with Charlize Theron? I thought it was just to sleep with her but I guess he really does want to be in a relationship with her?

This movie is crazy but mostly crazy boring. This movie also shows that Ben Affleck can absolutely be an awful actor. He does not carry this movie at all, he’s awful.

Every character in this movie is a complete moron. Most of this movie is people thinking Ben Affleck is this guy named Nick, when he is not, even though he constantly tells everyone that he is not this person. It’s very frustrating.

This movie is tough to get through. I think that’s what I mostly walked away with. Also, Charlize Theron gets naked but I guess we just saw that in The Devil’s Advocate.

Elizabeth

I first saw Reindeer Games a long time ago, maybe middle school, and all I really remembered about it was Charlize Theron gets naked and there are a bunch of twists. I thought it was awesome.

Seeing it again now, there are indeed lots of twists but they’re all so insane it kind of makes it not fun. A million tiny little things had to go exactly as planned for all the plans in Reindeer Games to work out, and once you sort of realize that, it just seems dumb. I also think this might have been when Ben Affleck was still sort of getting his feet wet as a leading man. He had already been in a bunch of movies by the time this came out, but he wasn’t the lead in most of them. I’m saying all of this because I know Ben Affleck is a good actor, I’ve seen it, but he is not good in this. Granted, no one’s really great, but he’s sort of really bad.

Also, even though this is a Christmas-themed movie, I don’t think it’s a good one to watch in the winter because watching it makes you feel so cold. Everyone is always so cold that it’s amazing the characters don’t just die of hypothermia. There’s a lot of people getting wet while also covered in and surrounded by snow. I think I drank two cups of coffee while watching it just because of that.