• Best Makeup and Hairstyling
  • Best Visual Effects


  • Worst Picture
  • Worst Actor (Johnny Depp)
  • Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off, or Sequel
  • Worst Director (Gore Verbinski)
  • Worst Screenplay (Justin Haythe, Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio)


I thought when we sat down to watch this, that it was going to be a boring friendly family film. After watching this over two hour film, it was everything but that. This movie is insane and at times scary. But the worst to me was the casting of William Fichtner, whom I really dislike, always.

The main bad guy, played by William Fichtner, eats people. Johnny Depp repeatedly talks about other people as “The White Man,” and tons of people are murdered. If I saw this a kid I would have lost my mind. It would have instantly been banned from our house. So part of the movie is pretty horrifying, and some intense shit goes down, but on the other side, it’s just kind of boring. I love westerns and this movie never feels like it to me. Some of the shots look nice and I wish I could hang out there, but it just felt uncomfortable to me.

If this movie was an hour shorter I would recommend it cause it’s so weird and insane but it’s pretty hard to get through.


When it comes to Oscar nominated movies that I did not want to see, The Lone Ranger was right at the top of the list. The Razzie nominations are much more telling than the Oscar nominations.

First of all, The Lone Ranger is 149 minutes long. That’s just at around 2 and a half hours long. Why does The Lone Ranger need to be 2 and a half hours long? TRICK QUESTION IT DOESN’T AT ALL. Second of all, my first taste of The Lone Ranger was when Desiree and Juan Pablo saw a private screening of it for a date on The Bachelorette. While they did the same on an earlier season of The Bachelorette for Brave, this did not make The Lone Ranger seem like a viable good movie prospect. Third of all, even while watching the actual movie, I could not believe I was really seeing Johnny Depp play Tonto. Could the filmmakers have made a more obvious plea for the box office by casting Johnny Depp as an iconic-to-American-pop-culture Native American figure? I doubt it.

The thing is, everything about Tonto in The Lone Ranger could be historically accurate, for all I know. Maybe Native Americans did have dead crows on their heads that they compulsively feed? Maybe Native Americans did speak English as if they were Tarzan? Even if alllllll of that was 100% true, it would still seem super racist because it’s FUCKING JOHNNY DEPP. As if there are no working Native American actors that could play that character. It’s sort of disgusting. When I was in college I wrote a long paper and gave a presentation on the evolution of the story of The Last of the Mohicans, focusing, naturally, on the 1992 film version. When I took questions at the end of my presentation, a girl I hated asked me how I felt about them casting a white man (Daniel Day-Lewis) to play a famous Native American character. I told her I had no feelings on that, because Daniel Day-Lewis does not play a Native American character, he plays a white man adopted by Native Americans. I hope The Lone Ranger made her head explode.

All of that aside, the plot is still stupid and unnecessarily gruesome. Even though it’s PG-13, I couldn’t believe this was a Disney movie. The man bad guy is a fucking cannibal for God’s sakes! And there are so many choices that contributed to this movie being unnecessarily long, like the framing of the story being that Tonto is telling the story as an old man to a child in a circus. What?

Yeah, the effects and makeup and stuff were good. So I’m glad someone was able to succeed at something in this movie. But really . . . this is not worth it.


Last year we attempted to watch all of the Oscar nominated movies for 2013. We got really far, but didn’t quite make it – the only ones we missed were single-nomination movies, mostly for smaller categories.

Well, we’re doing it again! The 2014 Academy Awards are on March 2, a little over a month away. We’ve already seen a few nominated movies, but so many more are coming.

Again, GODSPEED (to us)!