BAGGAGE CLAIM (2013)

vibe-vixen-paula-patton-and-affion-crockett-in-baggage-claim

Elizabeth

At what age do you think it’s so unacceptable for a woman to be unmarried that she should stop her life and do whatever she needs to do to get married immediately, to whomever is closest to her? The answer should be that that age doesn’t exist. But let’s say that it does, as it clearly does in the world of Baggage Claim. What age would that be? 45? 50? 65? It’s hard to even imagine. But does 30 come to mind? Ever? In 2013 (when this movie came out), did you ever really look at a gorgeous, successful, single 30-year-old woman and think, “All I know is that woman needs a husband,” and were just disgusted? If the answer is no, you probably won’t like Baggage Claim because the entire movie is based around the idea that a single 30-year-old woman is a disgusting concept.

Paula Patton plays Montana, a flight attendant who has a terrible mother that only cares about marriage. Montana is in a happy relationship until she finds out the inevitable (he’s married). She find this out by following her boyfriend around, including hiding in his trash can, by the way. Montana has friends/co-workers, Sam (Adam Brody), who is a caricature of a gay man, and Gail (Jill Scott), who is a caricature of a promiscuous woman. I want to point out that Sam gave Montana a necklace given to him by his dead grandmother in hopes that it will help her find love. I’m sure Sam’s grandmother would have really appreciated him giving away an heirloom to a co-worker whose definition of love doesn’t exist without a wedding.

We also learn that Montana has a best friend named William (Derek Luke) who lives across the hall and has a girlfriend. Montana and William are clearly perfect for each other . . . but whatever, you’re not supposed to think that yet. When Montana’s younger sister gets engaged and her mom makes her feel like shit about it for no reason, Montana decides she cannot go to the wedding alone. This leads Montana to conclude that she has 30 days to find a husband.

My first issue with that, besides the obvious just flat-out craziness of it, is that she’s not trying to find a boyfriend in 30 days, but a husband. Montana is presented to us as a woman whose relationships never work out, so what would make her (or us) think that in 30 days she’ll meet a man, they’ll date and fall and love and be married (or at least engaged) in 30 days? That shit only happens on Bachelor in Paradise.

So I guess to sort of remedy that issue, Montana decides to go after her exes. That’s right, she decides the best thing to do would be to revisit previous boyfriends and see if maybe now, for some reason, they’re worth dating and quickly marrying. To execute this, Sam, Gail, and a network of airline employees find all of Montana’s exes, who happen to be all be flying on this one airline at some point in these 30 days, and put Montana on their planes, either as a flight attendant or a passenger (this part is really unclear; apparently Montana can just start and stop working whenever?).

Unsurprisingly, Montana finds out that her exes should indeed stay her exes through a series of frustrating and stereotypical misfortunes (one guy pretends to be rich but Montana finds out he’s broke, one guy is pathologically focused on his political career, etc etc). Throughout all of this, Montana and William continually act like a couple and I guess as an audience we’re supposed to ignore that as she continues to meet her exes. Eventually, Montana learns that William’s girlfriend is cheating on him because they’re on Montana’s flight, because again everyone in this movie flies everywhere and only on this one airline. So now the movie really could end, because Montana is single and William is soon-to-be single. Unfortunately for us, it goes on for a while and Montana maybe chooses someone else (except we know from the beginning she won’t), until William surprises her by randomly leaving a plane ticket to France with her in a present that Montana conveniently doesn’t open until like an hour before the flight leaves. She misses the plane but so does William so instead of going to France they get engaged in the airport, the end.

Other than the plot, the worst thing about this movie was Paula Patton. Pretty much everything about her, in fact. Her attempts at acting “awkward” and really her attempts at acting in general were so beyond pathetic that it was distracting. She apparently has a complete inability to hold her neck and chin still; it’s as if someone told her that acting was just moving your head and neck back and forth as you talked. It’s seriously all she does; she pretty much cannot say a line with her head still. What the hell is that?

This movie is the biggest waste of – everything really. This movie hates women and makes me want to hate Paula Patton. Just not good all around.

Christopher

This movie is crazy and super sad if you think about it too much. I think that’s the biggest surprise about these awful romantic comedies Elizabeth and I have been watching. Everything about the story, if I think about having a friend that went throughout the whole thing, just makes me super sad for them as an individual. This whole movie is about finding the real love that’s right in front of you the whole time but before our main character can do that she decides to track down old boyfriends to see how they are doing? She’s a flight attendant so she uses that power, by the help of a gay Adam Brody (similar to Jamie Kennedy’s character in Tyler Perry’s Good Deeds), to find flights that her exes are on trying trying to find a lot spark. Most of them are still awful….what would she expect? Don’t people break up cause the relationship sucks? I mean if I ran into my ex I would probably just say hello as I kept walking. When I think about that I don’t really remember anything good about that relationship, it just seems crazy to me that she wouldn’t feel the same way? She talks about all these guys before she tries to get back with them and they all sound like they were borderline insane and guess what, when she sees them again they still are!!

This movie is pretty weird but I really liked watching it!

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