There are way too many stupid story lines in this movie. The biggest thing that’s distracting is how into Valentine’s Day everyone is. It was funny to see Ashton Kutcher be a terrible actor though. Also now when I see Garry Marshall’s name anywhere I just think of Paul F. Tompkins playing him on Comedy Bang Bang and I can’t take anything he does seriously.
I think as bad movies go this was fun to watch. I mean it’s a pretty big train wreck.
Elizabeth (spoilers! but who cares)
Valentine’s Day is a huge mess, and that’s really putting it too lightly. It tries to take a Love Actually approach to the romantic comedy by stuffing as many movie stars into one movie, but then totally forgets that it actually should probably have clear plots and characters and everything else that makes a decent movie, which Valentine’s Day has none of. The easiest way to illustrate the sheer scope of Valentine’s Day is to give a run-down of the various characters and sub-plots.
– Ashton Kutcher plays Reed, who proposes to girlfriend Morley (played by Jessica Alba and her terrible hair) in the first scene. Morley forgets to tell Reed that she doesn’t love him when he first proposes, so she waits a few hours and then breaks up with him. Reed also has two best friends played by George Lopez for some reason as Alfonso and Jennifer Garner as Julia. Julia is dating a doctor comically played by Patrick Dempsey of Grey’s Anatomy until she finds out he’s married, Baggage Claim-style. Reed and Julia end up together, and their lack of chemistry is kinda gross.
– Julia Roberts plays Kate, who is sitting next to Holden (Bradley Cooper) on an airplane as she takes a one-day leave from the Army. Their meaningless conversation alludes to a relationships we don’t know about until the end, when we discover that the person Kate is traveling to see is her kid and Holden is gay and dating a famous football player.
– Julia is a school teacher who has a student named Edison. Edison’s babysitter Grace is played by Emma Roberts, who wants to sleep with her boyfriend but decides not to. End of subplot.
– Edison has grandparents played by Héctor Elizondo and Shirley MacLaine. They have a fight and then make up. End of subplot.
– Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner play Grace’s friends who are dating and not having sex. End of subplot.
– Eric Dane plays the aforementioned closeted football player that Bradley Cooper is dating, who is thinking of retiring. Jessica Biel plays Kara, his publicist, and Queen Latifah plays Paula, his agent. Kara becomes interested in Kelvin, played by Jamie Foxx, whose boss, Susan, is played by Kathy Bates. Paula and Susan basically serve no purpose, not that that’s saying much.
– Paula hires Liz, played by Anne Hathaway, who begins dating co-worker Jason (Topher Grace). Liz is a phone sex worker who is apparently on-call for phone sex 24/7, using both her personal cell phone and office phone to do it. Hmm, okay? But Liz is a phone sex worker because of student loans, so I guess I can’t hate her that much.
I think that’s everyone. This movie is a little over two hours long, but with about a dozen (literally) subplots and “main characters,” it’s pretty much impossible to develop anything, so you’re left not giving a shit about anyone. The whole movie feels like some weird excuse; an excuse to have as many famous people as possible and an excuse to not write a whole movie.
While there’s too much going on to really pinpoint the “worst” part, I think Taylor Swift’s acting is right there at the top. Don’t get me wrong, I love Taylor Swift. But now I know I love Taylor Swift in her main profession only because she was so bad that it’s almost insulting to other actors to call what she was doing acting. And really, no one is that great in this because they’re never remotely given the chance. The whole time I was watching this I kept wondering if anyone would really rather see this movie over one with a third of the characters and triple the plot and character development. So I mean, if you want to watch a dozen shitty stories within one movie, go for Valentine’s Day. Otherwise it’s not worth even thinking about.