ESCAPE PLAN (2013)

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Christopher

This film is exactly what you think it is. Absolutely nothing about this movie was particularly interesting or cool. It wasn’t even really so bad that it was fun to make fun of. Although the funniest part about this movie is how useless Arnold’s character is, which only adds to being able to see every twist in this movie coming a mile away. If you’re going to watch a movie with either of these guys this is not the one!

Elizabeth

Yeah, Escape Plan is bad. It’s one of those movies where you watch it and afterward you don’t know what it was trying to say or what the point was of it being made at all. Starring Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger!

It is sort of funny to me that Stallone and Schwarzenegger were obviously cast together so they could be “STALLONE & SCHWARZENEGGER!” but in reality they’re just two grossly beefy old guys who are nearly impossible to understand. So Stallone plays Ray Breslin, who owns a company that tests how escapable prisons are. How does he do this? By getting put in prison and escaping. It’s never explained why such an extreme measure has to be taken, considering this job causes Breslin to be incarcerated for no reason for a good chunk of his life. But whatever! Also working for him is Abigail, (played by Amy Ryan, who is on The Wire, which I’m watching for the first time right now, and that makes me sad) and Hush (?) played by fucking 50 Cent.

Even though this plot is stupid, don’t you already kind of know what’s going to happen? Breslin gets offered double his usual pay to be put into a super secret prison, where no one, including his co-workers, can know where he is. Pretty risky . . . but that money! So he goes, meets up with Rottmayer (Schwarzenegger) and tries to figure everything out. Eventually they realize the prison is on a ship, which I thought was sort of really obvious considering the way every talked about how totally impossible it was to ever escape. The prison warden figures out who Breslin is and vows to keep him in prison, for some reason. Meanwhile, turns out Breslin’s partner is in on it, too, and is also secretly evil. Of course, eventually Breslin and Rottmayer escape via helicopters and gunfire, and then we find out that Rottmayer was in on it the whole time. But was a good guy? Somehow? Does it matter?

The best part of this movie is seeing Schwarzenegger follow Stallone everywhere like a weird Austrian puppy. He acts like he’ll do anything for Stallone just so Stallone will think he’s cool. I can only hope this is based on real life.

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