JERSEY GIRL (2004)

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Christopher

I always heard this was Kevin Smith’s worst movie and I now know it’s 100% true. As I’ve grown up Kevin Smith has not appealed to me as much as he used to buuut Jersey Girl is bad no matter who you are. There are a lot of situations where heated arguments occur but are forgotten about later. There are scenes where the director/editor must of just forgotten about as it continues. For example, Ben Affleck goes to feed his kid, who he hates but is trying to love since his wife died giving birth. The scene starts with Batman going to feed his kid, trying to force the bottle into her own hands to feed herself, but the bottle drops by the head of the baby as it is way too little to hold anything itself. The scene then goes to a very emotional, horribly acted scene where Batffleck cries about how hard everything is and how he misses his wife and his kid is just second best. Then he leaves! He never actually feeds his child!! This whole movie is in that vein, everything revolves about Ben Affleck and even when it’s supposed to show what a great guy he is, he’s still a real shitty person.

I would recommend watching this cause it really is that bad and it has something to make fun of in pretty much every scene. It appears that Mr. Smith took a play from the great Tyler Perry on this one.

Elizabeth

Jersey Girl is weird and bad, which you probably already know because it’s famous for that. But knowing that going into it still doesn’t quite prepare you for just how weird or bad it is. It begins with Ben Affleck as Oliver Trinke (pronounced Trinky, just to make another thing terrible), a New York City publicist. He’s married to GERTIE (Jennifer Lopez), because everyone has a shitty name. Gertie gets pregnant, and the second after the baby is born, she drops dead. Now, I’m not saying it’s impossible (an aneurysm seems very possible in that situation) but . . . I mean, she has the kid and immediately dies. It’s so sudden and dramatic that it’s just comical. Fast forward 10 years, and Ollie decided to bestow upon his daughter the greatest gift her mother could have given her – HER SHITTY NAME OF GERTIE TRINKE.

Yeah, Ollie hates being a dad. See, back when Gertie (wife) died, Ollie went back to his job too early and had a huge public freak out that primarily involved talking shit about Will Smith, causing him to be totally blacklisted in the industry. He goes to live with his father, Bart (George Carlin), who is the only one who gives a shit about Gertie (kid). Ollie hates Gertie (kid) so much when she’s a baby he tries to pawn her off on Bart while Bart’s at work . . . DRIVING A STREET SWEEPER MACHINE. He literally wants Bart to take this baby while driving a street sweeper machine. Okay. Later, Ollie goes to feed Gertie (kid) but instead he just cries at her.

So now Gertie is 10 and Ollie is just a GREAT single dad because I guess he became okay with being a single dad after that cry. One night while renting a movie, Ollie blindly grabs a porno to rent, trying to be quick so Gertie doesn’t see him. He checks out and meets Maya (Liv Tyler), the beautiful video store clerk. WHO MAKES FUN OF HIM IN FRONT OF HIS DAUGHTER FOR RENTING PORN. See, lol, he rented GAAAAAAAAAAY porn, and Maya assumes he’s not gay and therefore thinks it’s HILARIOUS!!! Ollie finds this charming because Maya has big tits.

Ollie decides to try to make it again in New York (oh by the way, they’re living in New Jersey this whole time, so yeah) as a publicist, which upsets Gertie and Maya (whom he is not dating). So Ollie says, FUCK IT, stays in New Jersey to live with his father indefinitely and still not dating Maya. Yeah, Ollie and Maya don’t even end up together. Because this movie is a piece of shit.

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