JUDGE DREDD (1995)

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Christopher

Since I recently watched Dredd I was really interested in watching the old Judge Dredd with Sylvester Stallone. I’ve never read the comic, it looks cool but if it’s anything like this movie, it might not be that good. We’ve been watching a lot of Sly movies, it feels like, but this was one of the worst. it was pretty terrible but it was mostly boring. And Rob Schneider is in it? As  the tiny comic relief. Pretty awful, but again mostly boring.

Also, I wasn’t expecting this movie to be as put together as it was. For whatever reason I thought it had a budget of $100 but it’s very obvious that that is not true. I think people just really hate this movie, absolutely no one ever talks about it.

Not really worth watching.

Elizabeth

THIS MOVIE WAS BORING AND STUPID.

BIG STAN (2007)

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Elizabeth

I guess I’m not really sure what there is to say about Big Stan. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie with as many rape jokes, so there’s that. I sort of couldn’t believe my eyes when it became clear that the entire plot (at least of the first half of the movie) revolved around Stan (Rob Schneider) trying to not get raped in prison. So he plays a corrupt real estate agent (not sure what that even means) who gets sentenced to prison, but has sixth months before he has to go to prison. So he gets The Master (David Carradine) to train him to not get raped. That’s really for real what happens. This includes such gems as getting some kind of scary tattoo (we never see it, thank god) around his anus and having his wife, Mindy (Jennifer Morrison) have sex with him using a giant, black, lubeless dildo. Okay.

Once Stan is in prison, his training makes him some kind of badass, and the only humor that comes from this is the fact that we’re supposed to believe that Rob Schneider is any kind of badass. He eventually has some giant sit-down with the rest of the inmates where he explains the difference between rape and homosexual sex and bans rape altogether.

It’s up and down after that because apparently everyone in the prison listens to Stan’s every word, so when Stan wants peace, there’s peace and when Stan wants chaos, there’s chaos. I just really didn’t understand the fact that Big Stan got made, until the end credits showed that Rob Schneider also directed and produced it. So I guess if you get rich off of Adam Sandler’s shit, you can make movies like Big Stan.

Christopher

Man, don’t you guys just hate actors like Bruce Lee, Clint Eastwood, and Bruce Willis! Don’t you wish that there was finally a man to put all these chumps in their place to properly take over the badass role our generation needs!!!! WELL LET ME TELL YOU! This movie is not it but it’s so unbelievable how embarrassing it is that you have to watch it!

I mean there are not a ton of jokes in this movie. If they are it’s pretty deadpan and it’s really not funny in the first place that every scene becomes this strange prison drama. Rob Schneider will be nothing more than Adam Sandler’s lap dog, I think we all pretty much know that and this movie a little too obvious that he’s trying to break out of that role. The whole movie is about how he’s going to go to jail and since he’s so scared that he’s going to be raped, he trains so hard he becomes this badass asshole? So when he goes to prison he just turns into the guy everyone is scared of? Remember this is Rob Schneider!

This movie tries to have good morals, I think? But it fails miserably at that, too. In the end this movie is easily worth watching for its awfulness and hopefully if enough people see it ole Rob will make more movies like it!

GROWN UPS (2010)

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Christopher

It took me forever but since Grown Ups 2 is now in theaters I felt that we had to watch this. It really is an all-star cast! I would say all the main male characters, other than Chris Rock MAYBE, starring in any movie, makes it an instantly shitty film. All completely worth watching. Of course the biggest one out of them being Adam Sandler. It really feels like he might be some sort of Antichrist. He’s pretty shitty and I feel that Grown Ups is further truth of this. The whole movie is about a group of friends coming together for a reunion of sorts once their basketball coach dies. Everyone is really mean and shitty to each other. But, the whole time no one really makes fun of Adam Sandler and at one point Adam Sandler starts slapping Kevin James’ character with a pancake I think? The whole time Kevin James just has to accept it? Oh but it’s because Kevin James is FAT!!!!!

– Kevin James: His whole character revolves around this. Every time he opens his mouth you already end the joke by saying, “CAUSE HE’S FAT!!!!!”

–  Chris Rock: He’s the feminine one. He cooks for his wife who has a job and he’s not good at basketball. Every time he speaks it ends with you knowing he’s less of a man because his wife just makes fun of him.

– Rob Schneider: He’s the spiritual guy who loves old, old women. He has one really hot daughter who all the other guys want to have sex with and he has another daughter, who looks more like him, and everyone just makes fun of the whole time. But of course they do! Why would they be nice to someone that UGLY!!!

– David Spade: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha he’s supposed to be a ladies man?

– ADAM SANDLER: So he has demon sons who don’t love nature, so Adam Sandler tries to get them to go outside and play like he used to as a kid. Adam Sandler did raise them to act this way but for some reason he just thinks they’re dumb. Adam Sandler is supposed to be good at basketball?? He only shoots bank shots?

Finally, what I think is truly the worst part about this film and really any film with any of these guys is that they are all so shitty to their wives/girlfriends (I guess Chris Rock is the only exception in this movie). I wonder if these guys know that IF YOU DON’T LIKE SOMEONE DON’T BE IN A RELATIONSHIP ESPECIALLY MARRIAGE WITH THEM.

#AdamSandler666

Elizabeth

Since you’re reading this blog, I think I can safely bet that you’re smart. So you’ve probably heard that Grown Ups is bad and you probably assume as much. But I have news for you. Grown Ups is much, much, much worse than you could possibly imagine.

Grown Ups is so actively unfunny and boring that I often forgot that what we were watching was supposed to be a comedy film rather than just scenes of Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade, and Rob Schneider sitting around in various locations in a Sandler-led circle jerk. All these guys are supposed to be playing recently reunited childhood friends that are going to supposedly remain friends, yet they can’t stop shitting on each other . . . most notably on Kevin James, because his only character trait is being fat and most notably not on Adam Sandler, who, as co-producer and co-writer, is obviously the mastermind behind this cash cow.

But what I want to really focus on here are the women of this movie. Did you even know that Grown Ups had women? I’d honestly just rather they didn’t. In this movie we are supposed to be believe that the pathetic characters of Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, and Kevin James are supposed to be married to Salma Hayek, Maya Rudolph, and Maria Bello, respectively. And that David Spade is a for real ladies’ man. It’s totally fucking insane. And then there’s the way they’re treated, with Salma Hayek getting the brunt of the awfulness. Her character, Roxanne, is married to Adam Sandler’s character, Lenny. Roxanne and Lenny have managed to raise utterly abhorrent children. Roxanne is a fashion designer of apparently great success, as her new line is set to premiere soon at Milan Fashion Week. Unfortunately for Roxanne, Milan Fashion Week coincides with her husband’s masturbatory, insufferable friend reunion, so she can’t go. Let me rephrase: Lenny does not allow her to go. Lenny does not allow her to do her job. So she can stay with him and their terrible children while he spends most of his time without them and with his absolutely shitty friends. Once Roxanne concedes to this, she finds out that Lenny long ago cancelled the Milan trip, without ever discussing this with her. BUT HEY IT’S OKAY, BECAUSE SHE’S JUST A SIMPLE WOMAN. It’s absolutely fucking maddening. Why did you do this, Salma Hayek? I absolutely hope she got paid a shit ton for this, or else I will not be able to tolerate her ever again.

I can’t even go into the fact that we discover Rob Schneider has a hot daughter that all the guys want to sleep with and a normal looking daughter that all the guys constantly make fun of, because just thinking about Grown Ups is making me clench my jaw in anger and I’ve already been to the dentist once this week.